Gwyneth Paltrow Eats Apple: Insatiable Appetite for Flesh or Healthy Afternoon Snack?

As many of you may (or may not) know, Academy award winning actress and candidate for the "Meanest Mom Ever" award, Gwyneth Paltrow, has a daughter named Apple. Photos have recently been taken of the mom enjoying an afternoon snack on the porch of her multi-million dollar home. What sort of snack, you ask? Why, nothing more than a plain old apple.

But wait, what sort of apple; a harmless, relatively sweet fruit, or the flesh of an innocent child? Seeing as I have no time for research, I am going to assume the latter. Is this a new, disturbing trend in Hollywood? Will the eating of innocent children become commonplace?

Why have I jumped to such a strange and mildly disturbing conclusion without any sort of rhyme or reason? Because Apple's godfather is none other than British actor Simon Pegg of Shaun of the Dead fame! There seems to be some fairly indisputable evidence that Ms. Paltrow saw this coming one day and decided to name Simon Pegg as her daughter's godparent for her own safety.

So, Polly Perkins, what is it you have to say for yourself? Is there any end to your sick and disgusting craving for child flesh? Who will be next in this madman's lust for human flesh? Not me.

Is Patrick Bateman the Batman?

Recently, I have been noticing a strange similarity between Patrick Bateman of American Psycho fame, and Bruce Wayne, Gotham city's favorite billionaire playboy and supposed masked crime fighter.

The first indicator for me was the similarities between the names. Bateman is only a one letter difference from Batman. I mean, nice try, Mr. Wayne, but you're not fooling me. It only makes sense- eccentric, rich man goes insane and tries to murder several hookers, goes missing and now a new eccentric rich man arrives and is ready assert violent justice on the masses? Please Mr. Wayne, or should I call you MR. BATEMAN. I see through your ridiculous façade!

Using very technical imaging software, I have definitive proof that Bruce Wayne is, in fact, Patrick Bateman.

I know what you must be thinking, "How ridiculous! Patrick Bateman clearly murders for fun, but Batman doesn't murder at all! What a silly notion!" You would be correct in this assumption, but riddle me this: did Patrick Bateman really murder those people? Maybe creating this Bruce Wayne alter ego and beating up thugs is a way for him to act out his innermost fantasies. Maybe years of therapy helped him realize that harming innocent people is wrong and he must take out his insatiable lust for beating things out on bad people, but I digress. 2000 years does that to a man.

Is there any merit to these claims? Is my logic utterly faulty and pure nonsense? You decide.